How to spice up your solo sex life

While there is this unspoken notion that humility is regarded and desirable, life is better lived when you’re feeling yourself – figuratively and literally. For that reason, it’s time to take masturbation more seriously. 

Although self-gratification is historically stigmatized, it’s also heralded as a healthy sexual behavior and there are loads of physiological, psychological, and sexual benefits. Self-pleasure promotes the release of “happiness” hormones like serotonin, dopamine, endorphins and oxytocin. These have a fundamental role in boosting your mood and pleasure and decreasing stress, anxiety and depression. Ultimately, rubbing one out can put a little pep in your step. 

Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, the sex and relationships expert at vibrator brand Womanizer said, “It can aid in pelvic floor health, potentially reducing the risk of erectile dysfunction or urinary incontinence.” 

It’s like “exercise” for the pelvic floor according to Shelby Sells, a relationship coach with ICF and AASECT certifications. She also noted, “For penis-having individuals, it can help you last longer in bed, which is great – that is a big one. For people with vaginas, it helps with period cramps.”

The literal act of feeling yourself can also metaphorically help how you feel yourself. In a recent Rolling Stone interview with Billie Eilish, the singer talks at length about how masturbation positively impacted her relationship with her body and herself in general, particularly when doing so in the mirror. “I have learned that looking at myself and watching myself feel pleasure has been an extreme help in loving myself and accepting myself, and feeling empowered and comfortable,” Eilish told the magazine. 

“If you’re maintaining your physical relationship with yourself, the better it is for your sex life overall.”

Allowing yourself to indulge in yourself and watching can build comfort in your pleasure and subsequently evolve your self-confidence. “Not only is it good for you and your relationship with yourself, but it’s also really good for your physical relationships with other people,” Sells said. “If you’re maintaining your physical relationship with yourself, the better it is for your sex life overall.”

Like any relationship, one with yourself, your pleasure and specifically masturbation takes an intentional investment, so keeping things spicy is a must. Sells said shame often deters people from exploring their sexuality and desires on their own. For that reason, if they are masturbating, she says, “They’ll get in and they’ll get out.”

The easiest way to deviate from your typical masturbation routine and explore solo is to simply switch it up. Different positions shouldn’t be reserved only for sex with another. “Depending on what you’re working with, try standing, leaning over something, on your hands and knees, sitting up instead of laying down, or if you’re laying down, putting a cushion underneath your butt to elevate you,” Sells suggests. “It’s really just playing around with your body in various positions, and seeing what works best for you because everyone’s body is inherently different.”

You can also change locations. With respect to anyone you may live with, this move can be from your room to the couch or even the shower. Your bedroom has other options too. “If it’s not in your bed, then try the chair that usually holds all your clothes,” Sells jokes. 

Another low maintenance and small adjustment – trade what you’re masturbating with. “If you’re always using one toy, specifically, try a different toy or try going back to your hand. Mix it up! If you have a penis, you’re used to using one hand, maybe try the other hand, or try different techniques,” Sells said. 

There are a variety of sex toys to choose from as well. Vibrators have continuous or patterned buzz to stimulate genitals and can be used on the outside or inside of the body. In the same vein, there are “clit-sucking” options too. Dildos and anal plugs are for penetration and can vary vastly in size, which allows for a range of switching it up in this category alone. And, for penisis, there’s sleeves and cock-rings.  

As for different techniques, for vaginas this can include clitoral stimulation, vaginal penetration or both. For penises, try different strokes, grips or speed. And, a pro-tip Sells recommends: breathwork. Slowing down your breathing to take in deeper breaths brings more oxygen to the body helping with arousal and orgasming. “If you’re incorporating breathwork into masturbating, it’s really going to elevate it!” Sells said.  

If porn is part of the routine, it may be time to type something new into that search box. Exploring a variety of genres can help you learn more about your desires, fantasies, what turns you on and what gets you off. Sells also suggests diversifying the type of erotica, whether that’s visual, audio or more interactive.   

“OnlyFans [creators] or cam people can be really fun too, because there’s almost an added element of intimacy,” Sells said. “I think it’s fun to be able to transfer the power to somebody else to get you off. You’re masturbating, but you have this hottie talking to you. It might fulfill a couple of different needs.”

“So much of sex boils down to communication, in and outside of the bedroom.”

While we’ve established the importance of a healthy solo sex life, it’s important not to overlook it even when you’re coupled up. “Maybe you don’t live together or your partner is traveling. See if they’d be open to hot FaceTime sex with you. That will really spice up your masturbation,” Sells said. Good old fashioned phone sex and sexting are fun options, or you can take it to the next level and exchange videos of each other masturbating. 

“So much of sex boils down to communication, in and outside of the bedroom,” Sells said. In addition to the variety of good feelings you’ll find with yourself as you intentionally spice up your sex life, you’ll be establishing a practice of prioritizing your pleasure, raising your knowledge and understanding of yourself and expectations of how others treat your body. 

“There’s nothing greater in this world that we can do than to truly know ourselves and have that self love,” Sell said. “I think that’s an important thing to add – there’s trust in yourself that’s being cultivated.” And, that will show up in your relationships with others. Give yourself a hand!